He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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