Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
