Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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