in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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