Who wears a wallet chain?!
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
