I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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