I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
