Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize