get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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