The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
