somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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