When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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