so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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