he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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