WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
