I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
