I didn't shave. On purpose
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
