I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
