God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
