I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
