Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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