I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize