I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
