omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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