I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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