I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
