If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
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