dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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