Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
