he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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