Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm going to jail i love you
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
