$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
