You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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