You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
