K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
