If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
