The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
