thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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