I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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