Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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