I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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