How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
