you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my shit smells like andre
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
