i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
