tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize