I wish I could punch you in the face.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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