I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
