I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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