I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
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