theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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