Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
