have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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