Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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