The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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