Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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