I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
