I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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