How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
