so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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