Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Randomize
