my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
