Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you had me at cake vodka
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
