21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Pooping to opera.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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